Out of the Mouth of Babes...

I took the little one shopping, last night, for that one special gift for my wife, from the little one.  I had a hand full of stocking stuffers, and I was looking for something that just screamed to be bought.

I couldn't find a damn thing, and I started to get a bit annoyed that there wasn't anything I liked enough, and my daughter tugs on my arm and goes "What's wrong?" so I answer her, ever so softly "I can't find anything I think mommy would love." The next words out of her mouth blew my mind.

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English 1020

I had my final in English, this past Saturday, and as a part of the final, we had to do a little creative writing.

*GLEE*

Our teacher believed the short story "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?", by Joyce Carol Oates, was unfinished.  It was our job to finish it in a page and half to two pages.  Lets just say, for conversational purposes, that my first draft wasn't any where close to being able to edit it down to two pages.  I was ale to rewrite and get it to fit, and still keep my original idea (actually an add-on to my wife's original idea) in one piece.

Anyway, I had a blast finishing off the story, and in my ending one of the characters, Arnold, is shot, and he retorts back, rather quickly "You son of a bitch!" which got a gasp from my classmates.

Why?  Well, during our first class, we had to introduce ourselves, explain what we wanted from the class, and where we saw ourselves five years down the road.  I explain that I was a Christian going after a Journalist Bachelors.  People gave me the stink eye, including the conservative in the front.  She asked me "Wouldn't you want to have a minor in theology?" to which I responded "theology doesn't explain the realness of God.  I can quote Greek, and explain to you that there are three words that describe Love, and that Jesus' birthright from David, but would that help you after your kid was murdered because of a drive by?  Would me knowing that the King James bible is so hard to read because King James wanted it hard to read help you understand why the world is so screwed up?"  There was silence and she smiled, as if I just answered fifteen other questions I was about to be asked.

I went to my seat satisfied.

So, back to my presentation.  I had used the "son of a bitch" twice more, and when I got back to my seat, this classmate behind me leans over and goes "That was really good, but I was surprised at your language."  I looked at her and was like "Really?  Oh, yeah the whole 'Christian' thing?" I didn't use finger quotes, but I did wave my hands like I was crazy, while saying Christian.

She nodded.

"I believe God gave us talents, and we're to use these talents, for Him, and if I hold back anything, I'm not doing either of us the justice I should be.  So, if I drop the f-word for emphasis of a situation, then I do.  I'm sure God understand my purpose behind it.  I won't go into a Samuel L. Jackson, curse induced rant, and there are other lines I won't cross, but God knows my reasoning.  I also believe that God is more mad at the fact that 30,000 people die, from reasons we can fix, in the same time it takes someone to complain about my usage of words in my writing."

There was silence and she smiled. "Wow, I never thought about that."

I liked the class as a whole, and it was cool to be able to speak so candidly about my faith in a real world setting.  So many times we get caught up in 'preaching' behind a pulpit, that we forget the chances in the normal days to get Gods message out.

Grace and Peace,
Jesse

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Our Painful Past

It's not too often another blog post leads to a Twitter conversation, that leads to me posting on my blog, but here we are, at that weird crossroads of "Real" and "Virtual" with a blog topic, in hand.

On a recent blog post, Lee Bezotte wrote about experiences and possessions.

Possessions are fun. I’m not going to lie to you.  It’s fun to buy stuff, play with it, drive it, watch it, talk on it, whatever.  But…

Experiences are memorable.  I wouldn’t trade some of my experiences, like my trips to Ireland, even for a new Mac.

Some people can afford both, but most of us can’t.  We ultimately end up choosing one over the other, even if we’re not aware that we’ve made that choice.

So how about you?  Are you a possession person or an experience person?

It was a quick post but it got a lot of people talking, mainly me.  I hate to say it, but experiences can be misleading, but so can possessions.  I made a smart ass remark, about trading painful experiences into possessions.  I mean, who wouldn't want to forget about the time you fell into a fire for an iPod, right?  Then, my wife, who always puts things into perspective, said something mind blowing.

Our painful memories make us who we are.

She has a rather valid point, but I am one to always have a counter point, this time to her and Señior Bezotte.

Lee, one of the many Christian bloggers I follow, and one I have no right calling by his first name, made a statement about trading experiences for possessions.  The problem is, we're always doing it, even when we're trying to build new experiences.  Bezotte's trip to Ireland probably wasn't free, right?  In essence, his trip was a possession that turned into an experience.

Yes, I know I'm cutting hairs, but follow with me for a moment.

The same goes for the Disney Cruise, my family and I went on a year ago.  My daughter will never forget that as long as she humanly can.  She'll never forget not getting Stitch's signature in her book, and she'll never forget the the clubhouse, with the princess, looking for Tinkerbell.  These are experiences, but the cruise was a possession to me.  The time I had with my family will never be replicated, but it won't go down as my greatest experience together.

Everyone see an experience different, something they'd never trade for anything, but my darkest experiences I would like to forever forget.

I've never had any real use, other than conversational side bars, for my knowledge on the pagan occult.  Yes, the information does come in handy while watching movies to be able to say "That's just not even close to how a druid would act," or during Ghost Adventures, when they start doing stuff that would make the normal Christian freak out.  Zak's a little crazy, you know?  The night I created "holy water" for a member of my coven - this is an experience I'd like to trade for some belly button lint.  It has no redeeming value, and little to do with who I am today.  My negative experiences may not be wiped away by the latest and greatest new whatever, but I also don't believe those negative experiences made me any better a person, either.  I'm not saying good can't come from a bad experience, but that's a whole other post.

You can believe every little experience can have an effect somewhere down the road, but we'll never know if it's a good or bad effect.  No- buying another video game will not allow me to have the best month ever, but buying a book can lead me to learning something I never knew.  No- buying an iPad won't make me fill more whole as a person, but buying a coke can make me feel just better enough to get me through the day.

Do I need a Kindle?  No.  Do I want a Kindle?  Yes.  I enjoy reading, and because of my inability to carry objects heavier than a piece of toast, a Kindle would be much easier to carry around than, lets say, any given King novel, or a whole slew of other books.  Will a Kindle cure my inability to eat cheese warmer than room temperature?  No, but while I sit on the toilet, I'd be able to read Hear No Evil without having to worry about loosing my spot when I'm done.  It's not life changing.

Should we stop experiencing? Should we stop gathering possessions? Of courses not, but using the excuse that one is another is counter-productive.  One man's possession is another man's experience.  One man's experience is another man's possession.

Grace and Peace,
Jesse

PS: Yes, sometimes all we need is a Coke and a smile, but no, I don't read or write while doing bathroom business.

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Christmas Gifts

Christmas time is upon us, and we are diving, head first, into the Advent season at break neck speed.  Black Friday is looming over the horizon, hidden by the turkey and cranberry sauce, but we begin our shopping sprees and materialistic adventures.

Let me be the first to say, I am not above materialism.  I like stuff, mainly tech stuff, but I do have my limits.  I'm starting to tinker, in my mind, about things.  I'm plotting to make a guitar pedal switch out of cheap and/or spare parts for an effects switch I won, for some on the fly podcasting stuff.  At the same time I'm not above asking for new stuff that I don't have, or newer stuff that I need to replace stuff that is beginning to wear out (ie: wallet).

Growing up, Christmas meant new stuff: G.I. Joes (the 3½" ones that were held together by rubber washers, not the doll sized ones - I'm not that old), Legos, Nintendo games, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys, and the dreaded clothes.  Seriously though, clothes aren't for Christmas, they're for birthdays and Easter!

The new stuff would either replace the old stuff or become intro-grated with the other toys.  Personally speaking, my new GI Joes would go through a hazing period.  I'm not proud of those periods, but it had to be done to prove their worth, to seperate the men from the boys.  However, come February, those gifts no longer had the same importance they did on December 26th, their giftiness (I'm ™ing that word, yo!) had lost its luster and they became apart of my everyday life.  Especially the GI Joes who wrestled twice a week, against one another.

This week began with a real deep moment, for me.  I was drawn to the gifts God has presented with me.  I've noticed that they've lost their giftiness™ in my eyes and I'm starting to feel that I'm misusing, or even underusing, those gifts.


The first thing that came to me was my artistic gift, and how I've been ignoring it a lot lately.  I keep this blog, which looks pretty, but that only took a little bit of that talent.  On top of that, it was used for my own self.  As is everything else I've done.  Even at work, I use my talent for a paycheck.  I don't freely share it with others.

I don't want to keep my gift to myself, though.  There's no use for it if I'm the only one who can play with it.  And no matter how weird that last sentence reads, it's the truth: I want to share my gifts with everyone.

As a trial run, I'm offering my talents to whoever needs it.  I will take on all new projects, until the end of the year, and will work to the best of my ability (and sanity) to get them all done in a timely manner.  I will take on multiple projects at once, and even pick up other ones I have forgotten about (sorry Missy).  I will give my gift to all who would like to use it because a gift isn't worth keeping to yourself, especially a gift from God, Himself!

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Charity vs Spending

For those of you not in the know, I work for a small print shop and in the new ten years I've worked here I've seen a lot of stuff flow through my desk, but more recently (mainly because of the mid-term elections) I've noticed a huge mistake during such a bad economic time: over spending.

Like I said, I noticed it mostly because of the over abundance every particular candidate had when it came to promoting themselves. They wasted money for no reason other than use the money their "Friends of . . ." campaign group raised.  Instead of investing the money back into the communities by turning over the money back to those who supplied them.  I refused to vote for half the people I did work for, on biased personal feelings toward them and their 'stand' but I had a hard time hearing one say they spent an extra $700 to do it online only to have it messed up, meaning they had to spend another $700 to get it redone.  $1400 spent just because they thought they could get it done better, elsewhere.

I'm not sure, personally, what year these people live in, but here I stand, writing on a blog, myself, and use this thing called Twitter and Facebook.  One out of a dozen local politicians used both of these things and two even told me that they don't use either.

I won't get into the ignorance of politicians ignoring technology.  The last thing I want to do is turn this into a political soapbox post.

What I'm trying to get at is wasteful spending and masking your wasteful spending as charity.

There is a local "charity" who will go nameless for this post but they're spending more than $200 on 50 program.  50.  That's $4 per program.  $4.  For a charity dinner program.  $4.  That doesn't include anything other than the program.  The invitations where only $20.  I should know: I designed and printed the things.

I was talking with a co-worker about it and she said that when someone donates $1,000 they want to see their name on something.

This is where I am going.

If you pay $1,000 and expect to see your name on something, you are no longer giving money to charity.  You are now paying to have your name on something.

Being charitable means giving without expecting to receive.

If you are a christian business owner, or christian person in general, and you give to a charity or anyone and then get bent out of shape because your name isn't in lights, then you have missed the point of charity and should be ashamed.

Now, if you buy a brick for a charitable cause then you're buying a brick for yourself, not for the charity.  If you buy a brick and put a bible verse on it then you've now stepped into the whole "Lord's name in vain" category and you know where that leads, right, so I won't go there.

Read that last part in sarcasm, if you haven't already.  I can't judge you as much as you can judge yourself but really think about how your charitable causes are charity and how many of them are self promotion.  I agree, that every once in a while a "Thank You" is appreciated but don't get bent out of shape if you don't get a shiny plaque or your name omitted in a program.

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The Fall is Upon Us

Daylight has faded earlier
than the weeks before
only leading into the
cold wasteland to come.

There must be some bit
of solace left out
there for us to hold
onto; We can't all be doomed.

Those in power say we
must stay in line, stay
in wait, stay nose cleaned,
stay a part of tthe agenda.

It is their red and blue
speaches that keep us warm
and it is their lies
that burn our slumber.

Hang their promises from
a noose in a tree of
red and yellow leaves for
the fall is upon us.

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Just Some Personal Stuff

I usually have a separate blog for my personal stuff, but I've decided to keep everything together (for once) and just have at it here.  This is mainly because I recently saw a tweet from someone another, talking about how, if you're going to write a book, you need a website platform to sell it.  I disagree with that a little, mainly because with today's technology, anyone can produce a book, have it made on demand and no one has to know about it.  I have a CafePress site which pays for itself and I get a little kickback to where I can buy a few things, without having to actually pay for it.  The point is, I do agree, to sell a book, well and profitable, you need an audience, a place for the audience to gather and a way to get people interested in the book.

I'm not, however, writing on this blog just to try and sell you on a book, promise.  I may write one, down the road, and advertise it here, but I'll never just up and go "Oh, by the way, here's a book I wrote, based on my blog posts."  I do understand it works for some people, I'm not just some people.

/d step down off soapbox

Now that I have covered that, I'll move on to other things.

A few years back, I attempted "National Novel Writing Month" and failed, miserably.  I didn't get a quarter of my novel even remotely finished but I'm going to take another crack at it, this month.  I finally get it that it doesn't have to be a finished product, but it's pushing you to write the first draft of a novel, in a month.  My wife, Summer, bought me a book that's a novel in a year but the first month really is a lot of character building, which I could do in a night if I had a can of Red Bull and a 5 Hour Energy Shot!  I scrapped the whole concept because it was starting to effect me, mentally.  Summer said it was making me nasty, which I can do all on my own without the help of the fiction I'm writing.  I'm thinking of doing something upbeat, funny even.  I should be able to fake funny long enough to make it work, right?

I've never really finished much, in my life, as far as hobbies go.  Writing, though, I've always come back to, over and over again, and it's about time I do it some justice.  I did finish a movie script, once, and I'm thinking of using Kickstarter to raise the money so I can just film the thing and get it on YouTube or on DVD or something.

The LoneDog Productions gimmick has lasted me a while but I'm sure I need to grow up and come up with an actual name for a production and publishing company one day, but that's all just up in the air because I don't actually have a production or publishing company.  I was given a few weeks to dream about a publishing company but after I really prayed about it, I was being silly.  I am under the sole belief that one day we won't have actual books and things will be digital.  We'll still need writers and designers, but in the long run, you won't need anything printed unless it's a short run thing like wedding programs.  One day the United Postal Service will be bankrupt and we'll have to rely on personal carriers to get our mail from one place to another but it won't be anything but wedding programs and L. L. Bean catalogs.

I had once planned to do a blog about my writing techniques while I used them, but I've already pointed out that I never finish anything so don't ask where that is.  Writing is one thing but writing about writing is something I, for one, am not that well enough at to tell people how to do so.  I mean, seriously, could you even read that last sentence?

While I'm dishing out the disappointing blogs I use to have, I had a blog based in the Fallout 3 Wasteland of Washington DC, a blog about a psychic based around a dream I had, a blog about general Christian discipleship... wait... that's this blog...  well, so far so good there or at least it was up until this post!

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I always worry

I did a year-plus stint in youth ministry and during this time I did a few lock-ins, a few breakfasts, a few coffeehouses, two weekend retreats, one mission trip and a partridge in a pear tree.  This time gave me a great chance to get to know a few of the youth in the church and surprisingly enough made a few really good connections.  Friends.  Even with everything going on in their lives, these kids are awesome.

I haven't been around for a few months because my schedule has been so everywhere with school, family, work and this awesome blog that I write at everyday (that last one is pure sarcasm for those who can't read sarcasm).  I also felt disconnected because I was supposed to be like head of a youth tech ministry which no one was interested in, so it stung a little.

Even though I don't see them like I use to, I still worry about them all.

I didn't know who I was actually getting to know and those who just acted like they did with every other youth leader.  Listen, I won't lie, I didn't think, know or care that I wasn't 'reaching' these kids because I felt like I was there to keep them from killing one another.  After my first weekend trip, a youth experience called Impact, I quickly got it through me that they may be teaching me a thing or two.  Actually, they did, because I had taken notes on my ipod (which I had just gotten for Christmas a few months prior) and I was writing down my notes, from the iPod when one goes "You can email them to yourself!" blew... my... mind...

The last big thing I actually did was a weekend lockin with the high schoolers.  Each of the leaders gave a small talk with mine ending the night talks followed by a question/answer where we had the youts (youts? did you just say youts?) write questions and put them in a hat.

I forwarded a few to handwriting specialists and questioned their parents afterwords.

My talk was my salvation story.  You know how it goes.  I was a bad kid, found Jesus, became good.  You've heard the talk.  Well, mine's a lot different than that and maybe one day I'll be inspired enough to write it out here.  Anyway, after my talk we had a great moment of prayer and then we asked for questions and during this time of questions one of the leaders was like "so and so wants to talk to you, alone about some stuff..."

The next hour and half talk was one of the most powerful moments in my walk and I barely talked.  We then prayed and I made my way to the churches prayer chapel, still on the vurge of tears, still a little shaken.

I still worry about them all.

We divided questions up through the leaders and I got two, but the one everyone said I should take was "how do I get out of a bad situation I'm in" and the question was vague enough that I ran with it.

I suggested the buddy system.  Find that one friend who doesn't do anything but sit at home on weekends and keep their phone number in a handy place, memorize it, tattoo it on your forearm.  If things start going in a bad way, call them, fake an emergency, leave, whatever.  I then took them down an entire road for a moment.  The same thing applies but sometimes the other person who is across the bed, chair, room, whatever from you knows this trick and will keep all phones unplugged, bills unpaid, and you have no resolve but to give in, right?  No, pray and if that doesn't work try this (it's corny but from what I hear it's effective):  Imagine Jesus hanging on the cross, blood flowing from his side and head, tears flowing from his eyes, crying because of what youre about to do.  This image will ruin any mood and if it doesn't please seek professional help.

I said this with the move serious tone, the tears from earlier had overflown and I was on the verge of breaking down, my voice shaking, I couldn't put into words how much I didn't want a single one of them, some I had never seen before, to not go down the road I had gone.

I still worry about them all.

Grace and Peace,
Jesse

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A Biblical Idea: Darkness

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." -John 8:12 (NIV)

In the bible, darkness is the polar opposite of light.  Jesus uses this metaphor when he talks about salvation as seeing the light, having light and shining your light.  Jesus speaks of the light as good and the darkness is evil.  If we are to understand that God's word is never changing then let's take a look at another bit of scripture.

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The Times They Are a-Changin'

Sunday night at church, Pastor Keith gave a sermon that, by the end of the night, had me in tears digging through bags that I hadn't look through in years.  The series has been 'God will Make A Way' or something along those lines and this week Keith talked about the baggage we all carry.  Those things that happened to us that we continue to carry around.  In less than the hour and half we had for the service, I had dug through some nasty stuff and finally made the connections I have been working on for the past few weeks.

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September 26, 2010 Refinery Service Blog

Play by play of the Refinery's 6:00 service here (until my battery died early on).

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your music sucks

I'm normally not one to say something like "this sucks..." or "wow, you do what?" because I believe that everyone has the right to do certain things (to a limit) without being harassed about it.

I do have a certain passion against one thing: Christian Contemporary Music.

Now, let me begin by saying I believe in the concept of Christian Contemporary Music (CCM as it's known to the insiders of said genre).

I understand that some people generally believe that God has given them musical abilities that they use to praise and worship God with. I wholeheartedly believe that we are given talents that are to be used to praise and worship God with.

So let me say again: I believe in the concept of CCM.

I just have a hard time listening to it.

I grew up in the 80's raised on classic rock and some country music. I was a closet fan of Garth Brooks and to this day still listen to his Chris Gaines concept album. I jam out to Free Bird, Stairway to Heaven, and Back in Black. I learned to appreciate the early 90's rap explosion on the east coast, the rise of grunge and was a metal teenager, in my day. Known bands like Metallica and not so known bands like Blind Guardian. The early late 90's and 2000's I got into the dance, techno, industrial stuff and had a bunch of drum and bass albums, DJ's like Plasticman, and Moby before he made it big. Then, when I dedicated my life to Jesus, I was introduced to Michael W. Smith and Casting Crowns.

I love Michael W. Smith's music but a man can not live on bread alone, right?

I am a very musically based person. Music talks to me and I talk back then in that moment we're connected and I get the music. I understand Nirvana's 'Smells like Teen Spirit' and I feel every note of Emeinem's 'Cleaning Out My Closet'.

Don't get me wrong, CCM has moved me a lot but I'm missing something.

We are all called to be perfect, to be better, to be the greatest we can be because God created us and we have been called back to His everlasting arms. We are called to be in this world not in it. We're supposed to be outside of the mundaneness of it all but the CCM stations play the same music all week and it sounds like the stuff they aren't playing on secular radios because it's subpar!

Radio stations play what their sponsors tell them to play, what they want to people who are listening should listen to. Sometimes stations take money to play music for their signed bands and there's this huge backlash because it's unfair to smaller labels.

You can switch between five different stations and hear the same song. Train's "If It's Love" I've heard three times today, yesterday Justin Timberlake's "Sexy back" twice in the same 30 minutes on two different stations. Radio stations play what they are told to play.

Guess what CCM stations play? Yeah, you're following along but why are CCM stations playing music only "we" get?

Jesus pulls his disciples to the side and tell him to go and make disciples. He tells his people to stop what we're doing and go convert people into disciples. How are CCM artist changing non-Christian lives with their music? Is this totally counter productive to the Christian movement? Shouldn't they be writing music that run of the mill radio stations can play so when you go to these awesome band concerts you'll be surrounded by other people who have been moved by their music and see that there is a different way to rock than the 'destroy a hotel room, buy a hooker, snort a line' rock star life.

Creed doesn't count.

I have an idea why they won't.

Have you ever heard this great local band who played at a bar, did a few covers, did a few songs on their own, and at the end of the night you buy a $5 CD and fist bump the lead singer?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT A BAR YOU HEATHEN!!!

Seriously, though, have you? Have you then wished you could skip over the lousy song on the radio and play that awesome album you bought for $5. The radio won't play that local music during normal running time because they aren't signed and they are a subpar version of whatever band that inspired them.

There are few CCM groups that I will say are original. More than 90% of CCM musicians don't write their own music, they redo hymns in "new" (not new) and "original" (not original) ways. They sound just like every other CCM group, and at least one of their songs use the narrative of Kirk Cameron being saved during a rain storm. Yes, rain is a great example of God's love but the idea in a song is more than out done, find another great idea from the bible and ground it to death instead.

If we're called to be different, to be outside the fold, why are we listening to music that sound the same as every other boring secular song. Why do we think just because it's CCM it's okay to be mediocre?

Why are the standards of CCM so low? Why is there a surge of CCM music that only appeals to Christians? Shouldn't CCM actually appeal to the lost and seeking? Shouldn't CCM be great enough to be played on secular stations to reach the ears of those who need to hear the uplifting songs? Lifehouse and Relient K had a good stab at it until people found out the song wasn't about loving some girl but loving God so people paniced because CCM doesn't sound that good, ever. Casting Crowns had a great run with 'I Can Only Imagine' until their label allowed radio stations to edit out the parts about God. U2 isn't CCM but should be the level CCM should be inspiring to be. Bono may be a little crazy but their music changed lives and they're not CCM.

Why aren't CCM artists changing secular lives? because they're not good enough to be played on secular radio because we allow CCM to be subpar because it has to do with God and all of it must be good enough to play.

I don't listen to CCM while driving because I can't stay awake. I listen to CCM when I can't sleep, I turn on our local CCM station and the music bores me to sleep. When it's sung in church, I check out. Worship Leaders are using the same boring music on CCM to lead services because that's what their congregation knows. Instead of using their talents to write new music that is outside the norm of CCM, they just do what every other worship band does: plays over played boring subpar music.

If you do this, and you're a worship leader: your music suck.

Instead of just throwing a "Complaint Grenade" into the room and bolting off, I have suggestions to turn this failure that is CCM around.

I propose that artists, musicians, worship leaders and label executives that wish to be called Christian Contemporary Music, follow a set of specified commandments. I'm not putting them in any order as of yet, but they're numbered to keep track of how many I have.

1) Fight proactively for your music to be played on secular stations because God's message is for everyone, not just for us elitist. What's the point of keeping your light under a bucket?

2) Refuse to sign yourself to any list that takes money away from churches just for royalty rights to use your music in worship settings. I have HUGE issues with "christian" companies who charge churches licensing fee to have worship music.

3) As a worship leader, you must use your gift to create new music not heard outside the walls. Worship isn't about knowing every song on the radio just so your congregation can be comfortable in worship. You never know that one new song could touch someone like a million overplayed radio songs could.

4) Allow worship leaders direct access to your music without throwing up VIP access sections of your website. You have the right to own your music, without a doubt, but is your gift, stuck in a box, helpful to anyone but that box.

5) Use your talents outside of the church. Find places in the area that have open mic nights. Play outside of random places until you're asked to leave. Give away your music in the most random places. God has given you a gift to share with others, share it.

6) If you have musical conflicts with anyone... let me reiterate that: ANYONE - that includes pastors, congregational members, trustee members, anyone - find out why. If your music is not for the congregation you're leading, then find a congregation that will follow you to the beat of your drum. You have the responsibility to understand what your congregation needs and if you can't see that over your own ego, then recheck yourself, pray, focus. You'll find the truth in God's word in time.

7) You don't need light shows, ever, even if you've made it big. They are there for God's gift, not for a show.

8) Only God knows what the true path really looks like. Listen to every word he tells you, even the ones you don't want to hear.

9) Never hold back - No mater what. Ever. For any reason.

10) God speaks to people through your gift and because of that you have a responsibility. You can not sell out, you can not loose focus on your gift, you can not be mundane, average, so-so, you must give your 100% and then some because anything less than that is wasted. God did not create you or your gift to be wasted so stop trying to be like something else and be yourself. Stop trying to sound like someone else because they already sound like that and you're better than a cheap imitation. Stop trying to create this spectacle of your gift and just give it.

Personally, I think that worship leaders need yearly reviews of their vision of their congregation. There is more to worship than just music and singing and I think that's where a lot of smaller church congregation leaders fall flat. They get stuck in the rut of writing set lists they forget they're there for God's work not their own purposes.

In the end, it's not up to me to determine how worship leaders lead or how christian artists preform or how authors write but I really think there has to be some self checks and balances to keep away from being mediocre.

Contemporary Christian Whatevers have gone the way of the Dodo. The world has moved on and we're stuck doing things they same as everyone else. We're called to be better than that, for God's glory not anything else.

Grace and Peace,
Jesse

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call me crazy after this one...

Jesse, humble, devoted, joyous, servant of my sovereign Lord and Savior (Christ Jesus) to all the people in Christ Jesus at The Cove: Grace and peace to you from God, our Father, and the Lord, Jesus Christ. I present to you, a revelation of Jesus Christ (a few, actually), which God gave me (me, which is Greek for 'me'), to show his servants (you)(and me).

Revelations:

We bring ourselves into this realm of knowledge where God's hand is obvious at work. However, we still rely on our own self knowledge to put these things we know into practice. These kinds of things are books, tomes, about prophecy, the end times, tribulation, and the second, and final, coming of Christ.

The book of Revelation, written by John, while in prison, is filled with all kinds of visuals, codes, and details that people have been trying to crack since day one. Paul's letter to the Thessalonians tells us two things: 1) God is going to return in a very covert way. Paul puts it simple: like a thief in the night.

Now, brothers, about times and dates we do not need to write to you, for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. -1 Thessalonians 5:1-2 (NIV)

2) God's people know when this is going to go down.

But you, brothers, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief. Thessalonians 5:4 (NIV)

The two conflicting concepts here aren't in these passages but when we're told to live in this world, but not of it, because we can not serve two masters. We are told be different, to not appear to be the same as everyone else, we're to go against the crowd, because Jesus did the same.

I won't point fingers, because I'm not a huge fan of the guy, but a well known pastor at a well known mega church said Jesus would be flying around in jet planes and riding in limos if he was here today. I, and many of Christ's follows beg to differ. He wouldn't be riding in planes or limos or metro, because that's what everyone else is doing. He would be walking, riding a donkey, because His ministry was to be different than the world.

Then, why do we get so worked up trying to decode God's supposed secrets in Revelations? Why do we get worked up in the Left Behind series? We are curious people, but in the end, we are selfish people and we need to know when God's coming back so we can get everything we want to get done, done.

We read these books about the secret bible code, watch the TV shows about the impending end of the world. We need to know and because of that God's real plan goes undone.

We're told it won't surprise us, and a lot of people believe that it's because God gave us all these things in the bible, that point to his second coming. A list of things that have to happen for us to go "oh, yeah, He's over that hill" but I say we're missing something.

When has Christ ever given us specific directions? We could argue that the Old Testament is filled with lists, and dimensions, and step by step diagrams. Noah, the Commandments, the Ark of the Covenant, thrones, buildings, a good chunk of the Old Testament are directions, straight to the point.

The New Testament, though, is a bit different. We see Jesus giving people choices. Yes, there are times when He straight out says "drop your lives and follow me" but that isn't a "go home, get your clothes, some food for the road" and actually, maybe when he said "drop it all, now" Jesus may have meant now.

We're selfish, Jesse, tell us something we don't know.

If you really want me to, lets do it.

You, who spend your time wasting away at the pointless number crunching of the bible go against the Great Commission: go and make disciples. We're called to help people find God's holy light and you sit on your asses looking for a loop hole in an breakable contract, written by God. God has no loopholes. None. Finding the time when Jesus returns is pointless because Jesus is already here, in the form of those doing something to better the world God left in our hands. You are not prophets you are profiteers and the God you seek sits in your wallet, in your bank accounts, underneath that double line on your account sheets, that is the God you worship and I pray you will find your way out of that pit of despair and join us in the everlasting light of a God who is unbreakable.

On Vain False Prophets:

This under lying issue of all of this vanity. It isn't about bringing people into the loving fold of God's arms, it's about being vain, money and making a name for oneself.

There are people who claim to be God's people, Westborro Baptist for instance, who are going totally ape shit against everything God tell us. They are firm believers in turn or burn. That being saved is actually being saved. They believe that we are all sinners who are on a one way ticket to hell unless we repent of our heathen ways a give our lives over to God! They're right. We are all heathens, sinners, and we are all going to hell in a pretty floral hand basket, and without the ever redeeming forgiving love of God, we're all fraked.

The difference is, these people are proclaiming to ask for forgiveness is to be forgiven and nothing else. Be saved or die! There is nothing about love. There is nothing about us being very good in God's eyes. There is nothing about being fishers of men, about going and making disciples, nothing about our true mission here on earth: to serve one another.

We get wrapped up in what we should or shouldn't be doing, instead of doing. Churches get wrapped up in their own damn dogma they forget why they're even a church. Leaders use their power to push people to do things their way instead of building those people up. We get wrapped up in how to do stuff, we start to become afraid to do anything and in turn, we loose ourselves to that fear.

Other people use God's name to make themselves look important. I seen it all the time, just look at music award shows when Rapper X whose hit single "Smack Your Ma'ma" gets best album and he thanks God in his speech. You my friend, are using the gifts God, who you just thanked, gave you for your own personal gain and by throwing God's name into the mix, you have now taken His name in vain.

Personally speaking, if I wrote a song about smacking my mother, and it won best album, I'd be more worried about how bad the rest of the albums where but I digress.

I finally can take a firm stand on a problem I've been having. I use to listen to a certain band whose music I'd never want my parents to listen to. Songs about killing cops, rednecks, and having sex with fat chicks in the rear. Said band released a bunch of albums, claiming the end would be coming when their seventh and final full length album released. That all answers to who they were would be clear and when it happened there would be nothing left.

Well, the album was released and the final track stated that if you paid very close attention to what was being said, you read between the lines filled with vulgar toxic words, that you would have seen that they had always followed God, and they hope everyone finds God.

Yeah, I was as shocked as the next guy. At the time I was all "yeah! you go!" but now I'm more like, "Yeah, you go somewhere else..."

These are prophets preaching a fake God. Their god believes it's okay to kill without hesitation for no other reason but anger. Their god believes it's okay to have sex for the fun of it. Their god believes it's okay to spray your crowds with cheap soda and praise drug users.

All in all, these false prophets know who the are and if you read between the lines you know who I'm talking about.

It's not just their music which calls me to arms but the way they present themselves to the run of the mill fan. I've seen interviews and specials all devoted to them (I was a fan, remember) and now I watch the same stuff, in a new light, and see they're just playing people along to make a buck. They don't care about their fans, they don't care about their music, they don't follow God, they care about the dollar, making a buck, and getting whats theirs.

We are always worried about the people doing things in God's name. The murders, the drug heads, the crooked priest, but we ignore the false prophets who hide in a different light, who hide in a light which is meant for God, not use.

In Closing:

We are here to love our God, love our neighbors and make disciples. When we try and put God into our own frame of mind, turn His word into something other than His, or claim our own selfish motives are actually God's motives, we've stepped into it, badly. People are so put off by all these rules Christians have to follow, but it's not like that. God didn't give us ten commandments to follow, He gave use those as guidelines: if this is how we're living our lives, that's when we know we're the closest to him. It's not about rules or fear, it's about a relationship with God, and relationships with one another.

Love God, Love Neighbors, Make Disciples - and everything that will come from those three things, intertwined together, will be blessed, holy and filled with God's joy, not our own vanity.

Grace and Peace,
Jesse

coming soon: your music sucks

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#wcgls - I'm one of 'those people' now

Back at the beginning of August I attended Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit for two days of leadership building, fantastic speakers and I came away with so much.

One of the speakers, Jeff Manion spoke about this "Land Between" concept where we're in this barren wasteland between where we were (Egypt) and where God wants us (Israel). You see in Egypt, we were slaves and this guy, Mosses came along and God, through Mosses, set us free. We should have been happy, but in the dessert, we're getting tired of this Manna stuff and we really want to go back to Egypt where at least there was meet. Yeah, we're promised this great place but for now, I'm burned out and need something.

Now, I hate those people who go to a conference and come back and go "this is what I learned! LISTEN TO ME!! I KNOW STUFF!"

Now I'm one of those people... but I don't care...

I won't get into details but I feel like I'm there, in that land in between Egypt and the Promised Land and I'm going "I'm sick of Manna, I want meat!"

I've been doing a lot of praying lately, mostly Mosses plea in Numbers 11:11-14 “the burden is too heavy for me.”

I'm still in this place where I'm not sure what direction I'm going, but a lot has just happened in the last few days, but what got me in this direction today was a Tweet from kdsrock, a friend of mine in Lynchburg, VA.

"Is your spiritual identity found in your spiritual past? Isaiah 43:18-19" then followed by "Our greatest moments with god and people are right NOW, so be inspired by past wins and learn from past sins, but live right NOW!"

I did want anyone in my situation would do, I looked up Isaiah 43:18-19 - Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

I saw it immediately: I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland - God has been at work, giving me more than manna, but water to drink from, like from the Nile. Comfort, a reminder that I may be in he desert, unable to carry my burden but God will provide what I need, on His time and when He shuts a door, he opens ten others.

Grace and Peace,
Jesse

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I'm Sorry that I'm Such a Horrible Person

I find myself complaining a lot, instead of doing, so I've decided to make a change about that. If I'm going to complain, I'm either going to take a different stance on it or do something about it.

IE: Put Up or Shut Up.

I'm thirty, painfully true, and it finally hit me that I'm thirty, doing what I've been doing since I was twenty... the... same... stuff...

Yes, I'm better at the stuff I do, a bit more knowledgeable, but I can always do better, I can always be better and I can always lead others to do the same.

There's a nice big fork in the road in front of me. Here lays two paths for me to take and neither one I'm happy about. Not because I don't want to do them but because I have to. I'm at a spot where a decision had to be made, a while ago, and it wasn't so now we are paying for it. Decisions not made affect us just the same as those made.

Where now? I'll let you know in time but right now, I need to figure out which path God wants me to take. Both paths are covered in broken glass, barbwire and rusty nails but both paths can lead to things greater than this 30 year old could ever imagine.

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it woke me up

I've had plenty of brainstorming sessions while laying in bed, and I've had so many different thoughts come and go but never had I ever had anything wake me from that twilight feeling and drive me to type before.

God is good.

So what drove me out of my bed at midnight?

Love.

That's it.

Love.

Every kind of love. I love my family as I should and I love my community but I should love my community like I love my family because we are family, we are all God's children and that makes us family. We're in this together, as a family.

There's been this idea rolling around in my head for years. It originally came to me after seeing Godspell at a local high school. That very next day, in 12 hours I penned what would be my first and last musical. I wrote a musical based on Michael W. Smith's music called 'A Love Like No Other'.

It told the tale of love in different stages, angles and in the end, the everlasting, healing, perfect love of God. Now, this was all done with Mr. Smith's music as a backdrop, which I sincerely apologize for right this moment for that lapse of judgment. It's not because his music couldn't handle being a musical production, it was just that I was highly unqualified to write it.

This suddenly ties in to that thought: love. Why do we do the things we do? Love. Jesus died for us and it was because God loved us so much He hung His own Son on a cross from us.

I'm underselling this statement, mainly because I'm half asleep, but we are built to love. Love one another, love our neighbors, love our God, love our enemies. Love. We are told to love, and by doing the things we love, for other people we love, it's a whole circle of "Kum-bi-ya" that would make the normal person sick but we're not normal, we're God's people who have a higher calling than normalcy. We have a calling to love without motive, without agenda, without love or anything in return.

We're to love each other more than we love ourselves, and in that, Rob Bell I'm sorry to you now: and in that, love wins.

I see it now and I'm not sure why other than my own ignorance of those around me whom I think I can't love or I shouldn't love that kept me ignorant of it all before but it's there now: love.

I think this midnight sermon idea is neat, maybe tomorrow night I'll write the one that's been brewing called "to those of the least..."

Goodnight and God Bless,
Jesse

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Global Leadership Summit Entry 0 - #wcagls

I'm currently sitting in my PA hotel room coming down off the days events and while I'm planning on doing a post on the full events of the week, I'm going to unload with a few random thoughts I had during the day, mainly observational things.

There's been a lot covered in such a little time already and being able to reflect latter is going to be awesome but right now, my ipod dead, I can reflect on observational things a bit but I've said that already. This church is huge, stadium seating, an atrium, bookstore, a coffee café, courtyard, see, huge. They have wings, and not the chicken kind, but the building kind. A west wing cafeteria, which may or may not be a direct reference to the TV show. I haven't asked.

I am curious, though, about the stadium seating. The seats have this space, purposely built mind you, for a bible. Yes, it's a church, and churches should have bibles but to build your chairs with that in mind blows mine to bits. If they had fold down tables on the back al la planes, it would be like heaven!

I question what this church, in the middle of Lancaster, does outside its own walls that they can look at this building and thinks it works. The more I wonder about my direction, the less I want this kind of church (which just means God will probably give me one because He knows my strengths). Yeah, it all looks great to a new comer but what does their soul look like? Does God have a purpose for this kind of church? How could we use a reverse view of this über church to mold a more realistic home church?

I also have an issue of charging for the tools to go and do, or offer a "summit discount" of two bucks and expect me to get excited about it.

I had picked up a few of the 'resource' books on 'sale' outside the auditorium and read something that I've read before but for some odd reason it stuck with me this time. That prayer is communication with God and that people have different ways of communication, and that while some people pray in private settings, others pray with music, writings, poetry, songs, paintings, etc.

It's such an obvious thing that we all miss. You can't tell me that my writing isn't prayer because that's all it is - prayer. No more, no less and if you think otherwise, you're missing the point. My prayer is different than your prayer but as long as it's prayer to God, then it's prayer is as prayer does.

You put this label on prayer as this or that, you're placing labels on yourself and putting God in a pocket. This idea that prayer is more than bowed head, closed eyes, you begin to remove the label of what prayer has to be, you start unwrapping other concepts too. Like what? How about music isn't the only form of worship as starters?

One last thought: what would a true digital church look like and how could something like that be effective in the digital age of social networking?

Grace and Peace,
Jesse

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An Alter of Praise, Worship and Sacrafice

The LORD appeared to Abram and said, "To your offspring I will give this land." So he built an altar there to the LORD, who had appeared to him. From there he went on toward the hills east of Bethel and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built an altar to the LORD and called on the name of the LORD. Then Abram set out and continued toward the Negev. -Genesis 12:7-9

Last night, at the Refinery Vision meeting, instead of sitting in a room and talking about visioning, we went out and really visioned. Last night had to be the most prolific meeting I've ever been to, and when it really comes down to it, I wish I could do that kind of thing more often. Just walk around and see where God takes me.

What we were doing really was huge. We were thinking big in a small town. We walked around, what many would call, a historic town and looked for God in the nooks [and monks] and crannies. We were looking for a way to be an impact Church, who is in the middle of it all, giving all God has for us to everyone else if they like it or not. There is a lot of empty space in the area and we wanted to fill it with God's light.

The places we were drawn to really, any of them could work. Heck, on the drive home, I thought all of them could work for so many different reasons, in so many different ways, but I want to keep focused on what God was showing me, so I'll continue.

While going back to our cars, the visioning team walked along, and I was filled with could only be thoughts of what could happen or what will happen. I'm a dreamer, so it's hard to tell which is which. I think God will show me when we're going the right direction, but we're on His time, not mine.

What I did get, however, was a deep urging to contemplate what our Alter will be. I'd normally be one who says "we'll look on the internet and see what server gives us" but after the past few weeks, I'm being pushed to build one.

I'm not saying God wants me to go to 48 Lumber, by some wood and build an ark alter but He is telling me we need to build one ourselves.

Let me get this out in the open, just in case you're not aware of the type of person I am. I'm no wood worker. My father taught me by him doing and making me watch, so the doing part is out of my normal comfort zone. Yes, in the event I have to do something, I probably could do something. I did build a rat hotel a few years back, and I've done minor repairs around the apartment, but building an alter is like God asking me to part the red sea then walk across its dry ground.

I made the mistake a while ago to ask "what would be needed to have Church" and the answers I got were mostly obvious, but the concept of needing an alter took me and a few others, by surprise.

In Genesis, God tells Abram that his descendants would be given the land and Abram sees that as a huge moment in his life, this message from God, so he builds an alter, to God. Then, when he continued on, he built another and called on the Lord's name and then continued on. Abram didn't just go "Meh, I have an alter back before Bethel, God knows whats up." No, he marked his time with God with an alter.

Noah, Jacob, they all built alters as markers, and for God. In Exodus 27, God gives some strict instructions on the building of an alter, and we build these things, for God, because the depth of our relationship with God makes us do more, so we can outwardly express this relationship, and do it in a different way.

The Refinery won't be at home in a new place until God shows us our way to an alter, which will be hand made by the leaders of the campus, prayed over by the congregation and blessed by God through and through.

"Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it." -Genesis 28:16

Grace and Peace,
Jesse

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Déjà vu

Neo: Whoa. Déjà vu.
[Everyone freezes right in their tracks]
Trinity: What did you just say?
Neo: Nothing. Just had a little déjà vu.
Trinity: What did you see?
Cypher: What happened?
Neo: A black cat went past us, and then another that looked just like it.
Trinity: How much like it? Was it the same cat?
Neo: It might have been. I'm not sure.
Morpheus: Switch! Apoc!
Neo: What is it?
Trinity: A déjà vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix. It happens when they change something.
Matrix, 1999

The concept of Déjà vu, for a lot of people, is a very weird thing. Sometimes just a flicker of something, in the head makes you stop and go "Whoa. Déjà vu." This isn't one of those things that moments latter the whole thing happens, as what happens above to Neo, but I'm talking a memory that laid dormant inside your mind that at the right time, is triggered and you go "Whoa. Déjà vu."

It's happened to me, a lot, through my life. Sometimes I remember, blatantly saying "I've seen this before, I remember this." and because I was young, I'd get excited and think I was physic.

Then, during one of those hardcore God cramming moments, in my life, where everything I did was for God, everything I spoke was about God, everything, I read the bible, had full conversations about theology, I had that newborn drive to want to know everything, and while reading something, I believe God spoke to me.

I had a déjà vu moment then questioned it, and at that exact moment I was given a clear message, and very real answer: "We have those moments because that is how God directly tells us we're headed in the right direction on His path."

Nothing more.

I was stunned to have that kind of clarity and when people talk about these kinds of things in their own lives, I can't question them because I've had that kind of moment now.

So, for me, déjà vu is that clear response to asking God, "Am I doing it right?" When you have a moment, even in the struggle, even in the valley, i means God is speaking to you, saying "I am there, and you're going the right direction."

I've shared this concept with some other people and they either accept the idea or blow it off as me talking out of my arse, but I've come to realize that over the years, I've grown and matured, but déjà vu still hits me and I still believe it's God, speaking directly to me but most of all when I begin to wonder if I'm going in the right direction or wonder if I'm making the right decisions.

Tonight was one of those moments. Here, at 3 am, I awaken to use the restroom to find, the hard way, my four year old has done number two all in the bathroom floor and in her pants, which is laying on top of the dirty clothes, in the hallway.

After cleaning it up, making sure she was okay, I sit on my laptop, coming down off that adrenaline rush you get with those kinds of things when I go and recheck a photo Pastor John had posted from this past weekend.

This past weekend a group of us spent it in God's presence. That kind of learning, fellowship, struggling, that happens when you're in God's presence and during a hike, he took a bunch of photos with his camera, one I've been particularly drawn to of a circle of branches used as a prayer labyrinth/walk kind of thing.

I had seen the photo, that weekend, and earlier tonight, but when I went back to look, I was struck with déjà vu. God had written that moment onto my heart and I came to understand that, I have been here before because God had directly written that moment into my story of my life and the recognition of that moment is beautiful onto itself.

God has a purpose for me, and when I get these feelings that I've seen it before, it's because God has already seen it, and I'm following His path for me, so close to the original plan, that I cross over into seeing what He sees for me and in this thought, I am blessed.

Grace and Peace
Jesse

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Refinery: 4/18/2010 - AS IT HAPPENED!

I'm going to blog during the service this week and see how well that works. It'll be like being there, or at least being there if you had a seat in my head.

...salvation and glory... ...honor and power... ...for the Lord is almighty... ...He is wonderful... -Revelation 19

The above song actually uses the word "omnipotent" in the opening verse! Isn't there like lyrical rules that using words more than three syllables in a song breaks down the linen curtain between time and space. It's a cool song and reminds me of the 'Row Your Boat' use to be in fourth grade, in that multi part harmony thing.

Michael mentions us as "us" as everyone, except Non-Christians... SHAME! Non-Christians are US too.

We get to talk about giving money to build more church stuff for Church stuff latter, that will be fun to post about! ^_^

Michael's mother just got thrown under a bus! DANG!

He tells everyone to stand but now I can't see the lyrics. Not that I'm focused enough to really sing, which I haven't been the past few weeks. That's a different post that I'll wait until I start that co-op post I mentioned the other day.

I know my God saved the day.

Makes Jesus like a super hero which really tones down what He did. I mean, thinking about it, his death did save us from sin, but even though saved, we're not 100% in the clear, right? We still have plenty to do, and plenty of others to show God's grace.

Am I being cynical?

When the clap, do they clap for God or the band? I question that a lot and in my head (now on my computer) I wonder who is worshiping God and who is worshiping the band or who is worshiping the music. The concept of worship was lost to me until I heard it as this: Worship is when we open everything up and the Spirit of God (The Holy Spirit) touches our spirit and we're connected totally.

I use to be able to worship with music, close my eyes, lift my hands in my head, drop my actual hands to my sides, I use to worship in music, but lately I haven't been able to. A lot of that is because of the above mentioned reason as "it's for another post" but there is a part of me that has come to detest Christian Contemporary Music. I'm singing along, I've caught myself, because this song is a goody, I like it, but not because it brings me to worship, but because it's good.

Good Charolette's 'Wounded' brings me to worship, The Ataris 'Girls of Summer' that awesome cover-better-than-the-original song, it brings me to worship.

So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned...

So I'll stand, with arms high, heart abandoned, hands clapping in rhythm, listening to a two part harmony sung.

The more we're out in the community, the better, but we're still here every Sunday? Sorry, I'm being cynical.

We're doing this really cool interaction digital phone thing. I'm logged into a website and my answers are showing on the overhead, and even in the chaos, this is really cool. This is very Refinery!

My fat fingers screwed up my vote... for the next question LOL

The questions have lost the group, we're hanging on for dear life... hanging... for a moment... did you see what I did there?

Pizza is here.

Learn something new, that our community has a low stress level as it comes to crime, poverty, and other things.

The assumptions we have about our community is so off because we're never out in our community. We're there, and then we're gone, and even when we're in the community we still are there in our personal bubbles. You don't get it unless we're there.

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. -Hebrews 11:8

IT'S NOT ON THE SCREEN!!!! AMEN LORD!!! There has been talk about using the verse on the screen against not using it and most, if not all, of those involved in the talk want people to open their bible, bring their bible, but by using the screen, we negate the need for our own bible. They didn't use the verse. I'm ecstatic!

There was a sense to do more with the church, first Callaway, then the merge of the campuses into First Saints Community Church.

What could I do with 28 acres in Callaway? A lot, but none of it deals with a new church or a place to worship in normal setting. I'm thinking of educational uses, shelters, recreational, but church? No. Church? Dur.

What could God do with a church that understood their call? Build a mega church and screw it up. I'm afraid it'll go in that direction.

They want to raise one point five million dollars. He said that without putting his pinkie to his lips. We're going to give away 10%, that magical biblical number, 10% away. Why not twenty percent? Sixty? Eighty?

Fifty four percent goes to clearing church debt, but not church members. The church is going to better itself not it's Church, the congregation.

The rest goes to the Callaway campus and the first phase of the growth there.

The had a prayer vigil, all day, yesterday, sixty people showed up, to pray about what to do next.

Quick side thought: Do we use the first ten percent away or do we do that last? Use the last ten percent, if we do it, to give away? Is that really giving away 10%?

He wants to look back 15 years from now and say "look what God has done, where he brought us" and I'd like to look back 15 years from now and not say "wow, we're still doing Refinery in the St. Paul's sanctuary?"

Why look back and then say "look what God has done" instead of saying that all the way "Look what God is doing" because if we loose that focus, we're doomed from the get go.

Be obedient to God's calling, even if it doesn't mean giving money to the church, or agreeing with what is saying, because following God means more.

Something Methodists don't do enough of: brainstorming however the execution of it was awesome. Text your ideas in, it'll be put on the screen, and collected for viewing at a later time.

...more cow bell... that was mine LOL

Personal speaking, as I have been, music during prayer and while the elements are being blessed is distracting.

I Can Only Imagine

The song speaks about what we have coming to us good and faithful servants. Those of us who deserve what's coming, in the good ways. And again, that's another blog post all together.

The song questions what we'll be doing in heaven and is supposed to be a worship song. We question what will happen it's all over, but in essence it's also a call to worship, how we're supposed to be worshiping now. People miss the same message in the book of Revelations but, look, another blog post.

Pizza break then a question and answer portion. I'd like to call it "Stump the Pastor about raising money for our own uses." I hope it's bloody! The responses on the screen have gotten borderline cynical. Sorry, 'cynical' is one of those new words I'm determine to use more often but not reflect in my actions.

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I've heard a lot and none of it sounds wrong

It's been a while since I've written and I'll let you in on a little secret: it's because I'm keeping it all to myself for a bit longer.

I'm being rude, I guess, but it's because a friend of mine and myself are going to start a cooperative blog and the ideas I've been having will keep my stuff there from getting stale. Once we start posting, I'll point the blog from here, to there, and if you want to really know, you can follow me on twitter and him as well.

Yost and I have been friends for about five years and our outlook and humor keep us in a lot of trouble in a constant awareness of what's going on around us. I consider him my personal expert on everything Open Source, Rob Bell, Ska and Asians and even with all of that, I still respect his ideals and direction God has placed him in, and after a short but fulfilling conversation we had, we decided to start a co-op blog that will touch on issues we feel are being forgotten.

So, expect that new adventure in the coming weeks, and who knows: maybe he'll let me say something interesting, from time to time.

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-2 vs vulnerability

I'm currently participating in a monthly leadership class which is a lot like a huge round table discussion with a lot of learning in between sessions, and last night we continued talking about our spiritual journey and graphing it out and a few things stuck in my head but one thing really stood above everything else: church drama.

The thing that got me was every time 'drama' happened in a church, in someone's story, there was a mumbling about it and they moved on. We don't like talking about church drama because when there's drama it's when church people knock heads and it shows we're not islands, we're movable but we don't like being movable.

Church (lowercase c) drama happens because of one main issue: we're all broken. So, when people's brokenness get mixed up together, there becomes a build up of chaos which then leads to the drama.

So, how do we handle the brokenness, the chaos and therefor eliminate the drama?

Let's take the brokenness first. I learned this weekend you can't fix the brokenness in someone, and neither can they, only God working through them, can a broken person become fixed. We're human, we're broken, and without God's grace, we can't fix that. Yes, first step is to accept you're broken, the person next to you is broken, and there is nothing either of you can do to fix that. It's Grace stupid.

Accepting your brokenness is humbling. We live in a society that says "Do not show weakness" but I'm saying in that weakness, we can be fixed. If we can't accept our flaws, how can we change to better ourselves? Someone, last night, mentioned their desire of perfection. If we did everything perfect, where is the room for growth? Where is the change? In a perfect society, nothing expands, nothing is gained, not until God has full control which then we won't need to grow. Until then, we're to always be learning, growing, and you can do neither in perfection. We're broken so we can help one another.

There's a scene in one of my favorite video games, Xenogears, where a young priest is speaking to the main character in front of a statue of two angels. The male angel, on the right, has one right wing, the female angel on the left has one left wing. The priest says something along the lines of 'God created humans to be like the angels, however we each only have one wing, so to fly, to soar, we must rely on the help of another to reach the peaks we never could alone'. I may be butchering the quote, but you get the point, right? We're broken, and the only way to really work through things is to rely on the help of others.

Humbleness is the first step to relying on others. We're very ego centered people, we all have to do things ourselves, myself included. It's a huge fault, to just accept the help, because I always feel I'm putting people who are offering to help out for accepting the help. Like it's they offer to help just to offer, so when you say 'no, but thank you' they can feel better for at least asking. That's how I think things through and it's sick because offering help is humbling, but accepting help is humbling even more so.

We're to come to God, humbly, but we can't be that way with one another? I call shenanigans. If we can't be upfront with someone, how can we go to God and be upfront with Him? How can I not ask for help from that stranger walking by as I struggle with my chair because it's raining and I have no grip, but I can go to God and ask for healing?

We're broken people, but we don't see the brokenness in others because we don't show the brokenness of ourselves, because when we do, we're vulnerable and we are told when we're vulnerable, we place ourselves in a position to be hurt. I say, nay, and I say when we are placed in a spot to be vulnerable, we are put in a spot to be humbled, to serve, to be served, to be given grace, to give grace, to help another one winged angel, who is just as broken and vulnerable as you are, soar to new heights.

What about the chaos? How do we avoid that? Well, if by severing the first step out of the equation, the chaos quickly falls away. If the issue arises that person 1 needs a dozen plates that are no longer where they should and knows person 2 has plates stock piled for Armageddon, person 1 should be able to go to person 2 and say "My plates are gone, may I have a handful" without there being anarchy and trustees called in to intervene. Person 1 should be humble enough to ask, person 2 should be humble enough to give. Chaos adverted. There also needs to be a self check in place. If you're angry at someone, you're not being humble. The act of being humble is to remove all negativity. Anger is a selfish emotion and bringing that into the equation negates humbleness.

Chaos is the lack of humbleness. You can not be humble if you're in a chaotic place. Yes, you can try, but as long as you see the situation as chaotic there will be that drive to resent the issue. Why is that? We're broken.

At the end of the day, can you say "Lord, I've humbled myself down in front of You and Your people. Thank you." or do we say "Lord, I've had one heck of a day, please make tomorrow better." Who are we to say the day The Lord made wasn't good enough for us to enjoy . . . but that's an entirely different post all together.

Grace and Peace.

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a weekend in the city

I am a self proclaimed city boy from the country. It sounds stupid but it's the truth. My first trip into Baltimore and I knew that was for me. The suburban lifestyle was not for me and the city, my friends, called my heart.

This weekend I visited a new city and what I saw, I never thought I'd be that close to seeing, hell, to think about it: to being.

I was a lead member of the church's Youth Service trip, where I was in charge of a group of kids who never stopped all weekend. There wasn't a moment I wish I hadn't come along and am glad, after the week I had, that I decided not to call off.

We stayed at a church where their one mission was to love every member of their congregation then when they question why they're loved unconditionally, the answer is easy: because God loved us first.

This congregation consist of local business owners, the elderly who have been going to the church for longer than they can remember, addicts, recovering addicts, and homeless.

This church serves as a breathing place for those who need to be loved the most: those in our society has turned their backs on and what I saw this weekend lifted a weight off my heart, knowing there are still people who can love and not judge.

We did a lot of work, and even though ti's Tuesday, I'm still a bit sore, but it was such a joy to see so many that just gave. I was saddened to see so many struggling with something or another but guess what?

We are all broken.

Each one of us is broken. We have those things in our closets that no one sees. It doesn't have to be drugs, sex, rock and roll, but anger, jealousy, lying, or a whole rack of other things, but there is none among us who aren't broken.

All of us are messy, all of us. All of us, you know, Greek for: all of us.

The fact that we're told a sin is a sin, that I am a thief as much as I am a murderer, as much as I am a liar because I have a habit of speeding, of bad mouthing our President (bible says to respect your government) and because I miss the mark of perfection, I have sinned as much as the drug addict who I sat next to at dinner, or the prostitute who I accidentally ran over in my chair.

The weird part is, I didn't see any of them that way. At dinner, I felt nervous because I wasn't sure how I'd react if spoken to, I wasn't sure if I could compose myself enough, the whole weekend reminded me how close I was to living on the street, addicted to whatever I could get my hands on.

I believe in the healing power of Christ, and I believe that every one of those people, who come and really want to change, can, and they'll have the greatest support system I think I could ever ask for. The church creates a family, a loving family, setting for their congregation and that, in itself, is healing.

If I ever had to move north, I think I'd find a way to drive to the city every night. Even though there is no handicapped parking, or ramps, or lifts, I'd find a way to pull myself up into the Sanctuary, down into the Kitchen, each week. God is in their hallways, in their closets, in their hearts, and I'll never forget this weekend.

If you're ever in Frederick, Maryland on a Saturday night or Sunday morning, over on West 2nd Street, there's a little church, Centennial Memorial United Methodist Church, ask for Pastor George and tell him Jesse from First Saints says hello and God Bless.

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doing the cool thing

I'm gonna be honest, it's what I do here, and those words I seem to put in a lot of my writing, so I'll get to the point.

I like Lost.

It's nothing new, if you know me, but in the realm of things, it's like the cool thing now, to like Lost.

Not everyone gets it, that's okay, there are episodes I don't get either, but I watch because the lives of the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 are important to me.

I've gone though stages, as a Lost fan. In the beginning (Season 2, I caught on late), I watched, trying to get it and tried to guess what was coming. Then I started looking for clues in everything. Then I had to really know everything before it hall happened. Now I watch and do my best to be surprised as I can be when things happen.

This post is going to be Lost heavy, and will contain things people who aren't currently up to the current episode may call spoilers.

During the time between season five and six, I began to rewatch from the beginning, in what could only be called as satanic. It was nuts. I began to notice stuff I hadn't the first time through and I began to make connections quicker. Then I noticed something else.

Those people who survived the crash, all 42 of them (I know that because it's one of The Numbers), began to look a lot like a community, but not just any community, a community that needed one another as much as one another needed them.

Yeah, it gets bat-poo-crazy near the tail end of season one and never lets go, but I began to see something in our Losties: Acts.

I then began to plot out a book that tied Lost to the Gospels, some how, then more recently I found out someone else beat me to it. I want to read his book, but at the same time I don't because it may just prove/deny the same connections I had seen.

For bat-poo sakes: Sun can speak English, rather fluently, which becomes a miracle of the tongues (until we get her back story). Locke is healed by the island! He was pushed out of a window and fell eight (Number) stories and survived and then the island heals him! Let us not talk about Richard 'Guyliner' Alpert, the man who doesn't age; how everyone who comes to the island suddenly can shoot guns like they're trained assassins, or how everyone is connected in some weird way or another. Kevin Bacon has nothing on these guys.

Yes, it's all fictional, but so is Harry Potter and everyone believed it to be an allegory until Roland said Dumbledore was gay.

The writers, being crafty people, also have a habit of sneaking in biblical references. One of the off island stations is in the basement of a church and Locke has this Jesus-like feeling to him until season five ended, now he's all about going home ala' Dogma's Bartleby and Loki, even if it means killing everything in his way (ala Bartleby).

What I'm saying is, a show doesn't have to scream God every line to have a very biblical feel to it. Am I saying Lost is Gospel? I know better than that. What I am saying is if it turns out that after last nights episode, that Locke v 2.0 isn't the bad guy, I'll be more than surprised.

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simplicity and the art of reconnection

I'm not going to lie. I lead a very un-simple life. I use InDesign to type up a letter to my landlord asking about rent. I then use the same program to make up an envelope and print to it. Handwritten stuff? On my penmanship skills alone: forget about it. Would it be easier to hand write a letter and then hand address the envelope? Yes, but I lead a un-simple life, I think I've said that.

In this un-simple life, I have a bible on my iTouch. Don't worry, I didn't pay for it, it was a gift from my wife, who thought I'd love an iTouch and she was right (as she usually is). The iTouch is far from simple and even more so after I jailbroke it and now have customized it to fit how I want it to feel: un-simple.

Back to that bible for a moment. I use it as a reference tool more than a study object. When I open my bible to read (which hasn't been much of late because I've been unfocused, but this is about un-simple, un-focus will come in another post) I like opening a bible, holding God's word in my hands, feeling it come alive.

I don't seem to find time to reconnect with God like I should, and I really want to. I really want to close myself in an empty building, too big for my to look through, and just be in God's presence, in God's word, in His majesty of silence and simplicity.

I'm not talking "get rid of everything I own and be a nomad" kind of simple, because in that life I see nothing simple. I'd always be worrying about my family's next meal or the gas to move my vehicle to our next location - not simple.

To some, yes, it's simple. Everyone has their own view of simplicity, but God has a better view and in His word, it shows us. Where? If I was better at picking up His word, I could tell you.

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parallel posts (like deuling banjos but better)

On her blog, Redefined Juliet mentions an article my wife had her read in a Cosmo (link to the blog by clicking her name).

Said article, 99 Ways to Please Your Man, was written by a female, probably one of those "I'll never marry but bang every guy I meet to write articles for softcore porn magazines." Let us be real: Cosmo is Penthouse without the nude folk.

Sorry, that's what the taste of bitterness looks like written.

My bitterness isn't that she's banging tons of dudes and I'm not, it's far from that. Far far from that. A few things, actually.

First, It goes back to what I said yesterday about Christian production values.

Where is the Christian 'Cosmo' at?

Yes, if we take the concept and turn it into what we do best (ie: screw things up) we'll get articles about how Magic: The Gathering is witch craft and Pokemon are agents of the devil. Even if I agree Pikachu is a bit satanic: please.

How about we get real for once, folks, and really talk about things we need to talk about.

When was the last time you prayed for the guy who cut you off, or the guy who took the last carton of milk, or the little kid who threw up in line in front of you, or for the people in the accident that made you late this morning?

Go into church this week and when someone asks "How's it going?" tell the truth instead of "Good, good. Things are... good..."

When was the last time lust grabbed you by the neck and screamed to be released?

Where do you pray? Where do you eat? Where do you do your business no one wants to know about but Jesus does?

When was the last time you thought of 99 ways to please your man/woman in a non sexual way?

Now, back to the list at hand. I read through them, and being married I knew the chance of any of those things happening were zilch to none. Mainly because I'm over weight and handicapped and some of the positions would take way more than my body could produce.

The sad part was, I began to think of times when even these 99 things done to me, one after another, would only please me for a bit, if that, and when it was over the moment would be too and my overall pleasure would be 'meh'.

Seriously speaking, when was the last time you had sex and it made the rest of your week perfect?

When was the last time you prayed and it made the rest of your week perfect?

99 Ways to Please Your Man: 1 through 99: pray for him, pray with him, and hug him from time to time, and he'll love you ever so more than you can imagine. I bet dollar to donuts that suggestion wasn't on their list.

Finally, why does it take sex to please a man? I mean, who made that into fact? Some days a doughnut (I'm hungry, sorry) would please me more than sex. Spending time hanging out in sweats, in front of the TV with my family, pleases me more than sex.

Sex with my wife is amazing, don't get me wrong. Being with her is pleasurable, but I am not a one dimension character on a badly written situation comedy. I am a human, with feelings, layers of feelings, complicated layers of feelings. Like an onion or a parfait, everyone loves parfait! I'm not here for sex and food. No, I'm here for love and companionship and family and Christ and His Church and sex is pleasurable but it takes more than that to make it pleasurable.

The "lets do it because we haven't done it forever" reason makes sex a bit less sexy. The "lets do it because I've been staring across the table at you all night undressing you with my eyes" sex is better. The "lets have sex because I love you and you love me and we were created to be together in this moment" sex is the greatest. If you've never had the kind of sex where you look over to your spouse and your eyes meet and it isn't animalistic lust driving you but overwhelming love, I think you need to really evaluate who you're with, or why you haven't reached that.

Yes, God created us to have sex to reproduce but at the same time, God also designed one specific person for you to be with and when you find that person, life is just that much better. I'm not making you question that the person you're with isn't the person you're supposed to be with, I'm making you question the reason you have sex with them.

No matter how you look at it, real sex is for the creation of life but in that real sex there has to be a bond formed beforehand of real love and if there isn't, what the hell?

I'm not going near the mole hill that is "what constitutes as married sex" because that is the same thing. When you are married, you are married for love, for the realization that you want to continue God's work with this person for the rest of your life, raising smaller versions of yourself in God's word, building up a community of God's people with a spouse in hand, children in tow.

Anything less than that is lust.

Question (didn't see that coming, did you? BAH!): Is it wrong to lust after your spouse? Shouldn't every bit of feeling we have towards them be love? When we look across the room and we want to Parkour over the couch, table and chairs, rip their clothes off and pleasure them in 99 different ways you have to take a minute and look at the reasons why.

Are your own feelings coming first? Pardon the pun, but are your own emotions of self gratification overwhelming the emotions of love? If so, it's bad lust. You can love someone so much that every ounce of you can't focus without touching them (even in non sexual ways) and still not be lust.

Yes, there is a fine line between lust and love and it's up to you to really understand the difference in any given situation.

What brought on this feeling? Was it the way she walked into the kitchen. That simple little way she walks that reminds you of the first time you met? That's love, folks. If something they do brings up strong emotions of that person, it's love. Smiling is the strongest sex potion EVER. You want to have sex with your spouse tonight? Smile. Really. Not that stupid goofy smile, but smile at them. When they look at you, even for a moment, smile like you're afraid to say something because it'll be embarrassing and you'll make an ass of yourself for doing it. It's cute, playful, and a turn on (from a guys POV, at least).

If that feeling came because you've had two too many beers. Lust. Or if the feeling came from watching television or a movie unless the movie reminds you of the person. The Notebook, a lovely little movie about old and new love, reminds my wife of our story (don't know why but it does) and it reminds her of the love we have for one another. It starts her mind into that direction, and even though she wants to dive over couches at me, that 'lust' is fueled by love.

If that feeling comes because you've been hit on all day by some other person, that's lust and not only a bad lust but a destructive lust. If that feeling comes because you've been hit on all day by your spouse, by all means, spend the evening locked away in the bedroom or shower or back seat of your van you bunch of love birds you.

If you video tape it, it's lust, and disturbing. If we have learned one thing since the beginning of the internet is that sex tapes ruin lives. See, self porn is still porn.

In the game of paper, rock, scissors; love beats lust and porn every time.

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Worship: The White Album

Last night I had to get some reading done (as I will tonight) and I had to find a way to block outside noises. I attempted to put on Classical or Enigma but the soothing music began to put me to sleep and being able to concentrate became impossible. So I did something I didn't even know my iPod could do: I put all of my Beatles on loop and turned down the volume so all I really could hear was the music and the lyrics were almost subliminal.

Now, being someone who learns by my senses, by doing, I began to be afraid that the music would be a distraction but it wasn't. It not only helped drown out the sound of Sprout, my wife on the phone and our house guest doing his homework, I actually remembered what I read.

I am a firm believer that music really speaks to peoples emotions and Contemporary Christian music either fits the bill or doesn't. There isn't a gray area. I found myself, writing an entire blog about how much I loath the local CCM station because the music is either really strong or really dull - there is no middle ground.

Yes, most radio stations are like that, I get that,

But why should Christian production houses of any sort be putting out sub-par stuff just because we're Christian?

It seems that there are plenty of secular companies that do a great job at what they do, but for some odd reason you put a Christian label on it, it starts producing junk.

Kirk Cameron, God bless him. Everyone remembers him from Growing Pains but he makes movies, mainly those that do the church circuit. You know, those movies that churches pay a license to show to a non paying audience (but that's another post all together).

I guess, my issue with Mr. Cameron (Kirk, not Crowe) is that he plays the same character in each of his movies and still at the same time he seems to not get it.

He plays the guy, who at the beginning of the movie, doesn't know God, doesn't need God, can do it all on his own. Then, by the end of the movie he finally understands that it has nothing to do with him but God and he gives everything over and he's happy and everything will be fine.

He's lying to you but that isn't my point either.

My point is, if these movies were regular released onto a non-church viewing group; someone who was seeing the movie as that, a movie, then it would be slaughtered. We are told to live in this world, not of it, so why isn't the stuff we produce better than what everything else out there is? We should be aiming to be better than what those around us are doing because we're giving 150% of ourselves to this project because it's to glorify God, not ourselves.

A song not sung as if God himself is sitting right next to us is de-glorifying God and there-for sin.

However in the same sense a book written, that doesn't mention God in a single page, and the writer has given a hundred fifty percent of their effort to make the best damn novel he can to glorify God is glorifying and the book is thereby written for God, because in all we do, we do for Him. The book doesn't have to be about someone named Curt who goes on this quest and in the end finds God or learns about God or anything of the sort. Christian writers don't have to write about God for the book to be about God.

I speak as a writer. I write, a lot, and most of the stuff I write I trash because I know I can't give everything I have to make what I started the best I can. I've been able a few times, but most of the stuff I start never goes anywhere. I'd rather start something and throw it away before it gets a hold of my time and effort and then I loose it than start something and know I can give it everything I have because everything I do is to glorify and nothing else.

If I could physically play an instrument, I don't think I'd ever play it anyway because if I gave anything less than it all then I'd be doing it wrong.

I have this script and it's sitting in my inbox (for safe keeping) and I'm itching to get production started because even though God isn't mentioned, isn't referenced, isn't alluded to, I used the blessed talents God gave me in His creation of me, and I used it at full strength to write the best damn script I could, and I know He's smiling down at me because of it.

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