I found God at the corner of E Rochambeau Drive and Mooretown Rd...

This past weekend I was able to get away with my family, all of them. This didn't include people I thought were family, or people I felt that I had to change the way I spoke, or was to make them feel more comfortable. It wasn't with people I had to fake who I was, who I am, and who anything else was.

God opened my eyes.

I've been questioning a lot of things lately, the security of my job, the deepness God is in me, and my direction.

This weekend showed me that my family is my real security, that God placed my family into my life because without them I am nothing, and without them I am empty. My real family, not a fakeness that formed due to circumstances, or beliefs, or anything. People I genuinely love... like... family...

I don't say that a lot. I don't say I love people outside of those in my home, but it's the truth. I have finally been shown how life can be, in the gentleness that is God's love, God's light, and I now finally get it: without my wife, my child, my children, my family, I am nothing.

This changes a lot more than I originally thought. This morning, the idea that things have changed didn't frighten me. It soothed me, and I finally understood that.

I get it.

I no longer desire anything but the love and acceptance of those I love and I don't need to do anything to get that, but just be. I feel at peace with that decision. I do, however, have to make sacrifices for them. Those start now.

PAX is out, and in all honesty, it doesn't bother me like I thought it would. Maybe because it's my decision to do so, but family will always come first, and taking that kind of money for my own selfish reasons just blows my mind. I can't do it now. My family wants a house, with a big yard, and I can't provide that by taking seven hundred dollars and run off for the weekend alone.

I've been begging God for a sign, a purpose, anything that makes sense, and this weekend, in the quiet of a hotel room, I found it: in my family.

God, there are so many of us who don't know the way forward, who don't understand the ideals you gave to us through Christ.  Mary and Joseph was Jesus' family, and both were with him through it all.  That love and devotion he showed us, through them, you showed me through my family.  Please be with others who are searching for their family, their purpose, their center through You.  Amen.

Grace and Peace,
Jesse

Read more »

I was bullied...

On the way to work this morning, I heard about this video out a kid who was being bullied snap and slam his would be bully onto the sidewalk.  I sank into my seat a little and sighed.  It flashed memories of my childhood and the problems it always caused me.  I was bullied... daily... until the day I graduated high school...

Read more »

The New American Hymnal [NAH] - Post 3a

I will be honest: using a Toad the Wet Sprocket song as a worship song is like using fruit preservatives on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but just listen to it, read it, feel God's presence.

Read more »

The New American Hymnal [NAH] - Post 3

I had an epiphany this morning.  Don't ask me when it came to me, because those are details you just don't need to hear.  The idea went something like this:

I'm not longer going to post about The New American Hymnal.

Read more »

Living Happily Ever After - a @paulsteinbrueck inspired post

I'm luckily enough to live in a time where I can learn from some of great Christian leaders just by following a blog, or a twitter account, and by reading the Word in their text.  I've learned more in the last year than I think I have in the previous 10, but I may have already said that.

Every morning, I have a ritual, at work, where I boot up my computer, then the computer next to me (which is a bit slower to boot).  While computer #2 boots up, I open a set of tabs and do a quick overlook through the pages.  Twitter is one of those tabs and this morning, I see this tweet from Paul Steinbrueck:

The worst fraud ever bought into: ‘and they lived happily ever after.’ Good relationships take work, lots & lots of hard work. -Dr Saturley

 At first look, I agreed but then it hit me: No, Dr. Saturley is wrong.  My apologies to Dr. Saturley, but I think you're missing out on something.

We are created to serve, humbly, and by serving in a humble position, we should be happy, or it isn't in a humble fashion we're serving.  I know that sounds like a poem, and I guess that's how it came out, but it's true.  We are to serve one another, in a humble fashion, and by doing so we are in direct praise of God, with our actions.

I do agree with Dr. Saturley, however, if he was speaking on the automatic condition of happily ever afterness.  Things just don't become happy because you're in love.  Things are not perfect, but in perfection there is no room for growth, and if you're not growing, you're dying.

I do believe there is happiness in the growth, in the working out messes, and there may be fights, and anger, and frustration, but when you make the conscious decision to change for another then there is happiness.

There is a difference between changing for and changing because of someone.  Changing for someone means you're changing because you notice the flaw that irritates the living daylights out of someone, and you don't want to irritate them anymore.  This could be as simple as chewing on pen tops or smoking.  Changing because of someone means you are changing to impress them, and only them.  You wear different clothes, speak differently around them, attempt to learn guitar, ride a bike, etc., just to be accepted by them.  Acceptance can be is toxic.  I know I have flaws, but I do not believe I should change my hobbies to impress someone.  I do not need to change my taste of music to be seen as "okay" by someone.  I will not change my views to make someone be okay to talk around me.  I will, however, tone my language around them because I know the f-work is too hard for them to handle.

Love is hard, but at the same time, it is happiness ever after, even with the bumps, you're still there with the one you love, and you're both still growing together.  There is joy in that alone, and where there is joy, there is happiness.

Read more »